Putting the "fun" back into funerals!

Well team, your favorite unemployed bloggernaut finally landed herself a job. Yes sir, goodbye to Missouri Department of Unemployment paychecks and hello to sweet, hard-earned moolah. I didn't fully understand where I worked until today, and to even use the word "fully" is a complete lie. It's more of a loose concept with self invented explanations and theories to make myself think I understand what it is that I do.
I take that back, I know what I do, it's my company I'm confused about. I am a publication specialist. Yes, you can have my autograph later. But really- I design brochures, letters, training manuals and any other publications within my company. What is my company you ask? Simply put, they sell death insurance. No, it isn't the same as life insurance, this specifically covers your death costs- whatever they may be. You give this company money to invest in a trust fund and when you die, they make sure all of your wishes are granted.
An ash coffin lined with red velvet in a thin cement vault? DONE!
Donating your liver to a cancer patient, your eyes to a blind man and your heart to the cruel? DONE!
Laying your lifeless corpse above ground to rot for all eternity in a "green" cemetery? DONE!
Since my computer hasn't been ready for me for 3 days, I've taken this time to read up on the funeral industry and my company in general. I've learned this much:

• The man in the office next to me looks EXACTLY like Daddy Warbucks. He makes me want to burst into song everytime I see him. Everyday I go home with "Together at last, together forever, we're tying a know, that no one can sever" in my head because it's the only words I know to the classic Annie/DW duet.
  
• There's a product that's a biodegradable seashell specifically designed to hold your crematory remains as you gracefully descend to the ocean floor.
• The reason coffins slide in and out of hearses so easy is because they have rollers in the floor, which makes me wonder if the coffins bounce around while driving? Hmmm?
• I think I'm allergic to my work because my eyes and nose water incessantly the minute I walk through the doors. The same thing happens to me at department stores and Wal-Mart. My mom used to tell me it was because I was allergic to the dyes in the clothes, but I think she was just trying to get me into the store. It's like how I tell people I'm "allergic" to raisins because I think they're disgusting shriveled pieces of rotten food, unless an instant gag reflex is an allergic reaction.
• There are motivational quotes all over that heed such warnings as, "Dance like no one is watching, sing like no one can hear, love like your heart has never been broken and whatever the rest of the bullshit is". The strange thing is that they all end in morbid suffixes like "because this could be your last 60 seconds- EVER". Now, I've never been one for inspirational quotes, and maybe they're trying to keep morality up with job security, but it's just terrifying me. I know I'm going to die and I know it might be when I fall asleep tonight, but honestly- I have a lot to do still. Maybe working here will shift me into second! Or I'll slip the clutch and kill it. Score one for bad analogies.

That's all I know for now. I'll keep you updated as more bizarre occurrences, well... occur. Stay tuned and remember... don't come around here looking for frequent updates or cutesy pictures, because you're just going to be disappointed! Yeehaw!